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I recommend pregnancy for anybody who wants to get kicked in the ribs by a nude stranger that weighs between 1 and 10 lbs
— Erin And A Half Ryan (@morninggloria) July 7, 2021
The craziest thing about being a mom is how we’ll make friends with anyone who lives near us and has kids the same age. You just killed a lady and turned her hair into a wig for your grandma? No thanks. Wait, did you say your kid is 3? Mine too! Come for dinner on Friday at 5:00?
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) July 3, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. You just stepped in a puddle. Inside your house.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 7, 2021
If weed is performance enhancing then why the hell am I laying on the ground, out of breath & covered in Cheetos dust after 5 minutes of playing tag with my kids?
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 4, 2021
The reason they call it an “empty nest” is the day after your kids leave you find 18 years worth of charging cables in a single giant wad.
— cap’n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) July 7, 2021
We are watching Space Jam for the second time in two days. My daughter is obsessed with Michael Jordan, he is her favorite comedy actor.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) July 6, 2021
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 8, 2021
Newton’s little known 4th law – an object dropped on the floor by a child will remain there as though invisible until moved by a mom.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) July 5, 2021
My 3 year old is playing laser tag with her cousins but all she’s doing is yelling “STOP SHOOTING ME AND LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!” and I can’t tell if she’s a pacifist or a strategist.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 6, 2021
“This is the grand finale.”
– dads every 3 minutes during fireworks
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 5, 2021
Shoutout to the frenzied mom picking up pizza in her winter socks and Adidas slides. I feel you, I see you…oh shit, that’s my reflection in the restaurant door.
— Marissa 💚 (@michimama75) July 7, 2021
I’ve yelled at my kids every morning for weeks, because someone has been throwing q-tips on the bathroom floor at night.
Last night I got up at like 3am , I found the cat methodically sticking her paw in the q-tip jar , pulling them out, one by one and tossing them everywhere
— Heather #BLM🏳️🌈 (@dishs_up) July 8, 2021
To whoever came up with the phrase “kids keep you young” – I’d like to see the science behind this nonsense please
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2021
My daughter’s favorite toy is whatever her sister is currently playing with.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 5, 2021
There’s a mom with her kids in this airport TGIFridays getting absolutely obliterated and I am here for it. She has had 3 glasses of wine and her kids have had 3 chocolate milks each. This is like watching a Nat Geo special on traveling with your kids.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 9, 2021
5: mom when can i have a baby
me: when you’re much older
5: oh so big like you
5: like really big then, like giant, really really really big like-
me: i said OLDER
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 5, 2021
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 7, 2021
You know you’re a child of the 80s when you can’t recall your kid’s phone number without searching your contacts, but you’ll never forget 867-5309.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) July 6, 2021
Me: [daughter], you’re so cute.
Her, a mouth full of blueberries: No, I’m terrifying.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 7, 2021
“I cleaned my room” is teenager for “I stacked all the dirty dishes on my desk and kicked the clothes under my bed.”
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) July 8, 2021
Parenting is easy until you have kids.
— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) July 8, 2021