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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 17, 2021
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 20, 2021
My 7 year old: Mom, I like your hugs the best because your tummy is as soft and squishy as Play-Doh.
I turned my womb into an apartment for THIS?!?
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 17, 2021
My 4yo keeps calling our new puppy “the puplett” no one correct her.
— Heather #BLM (@dishs_up) May 20, 2021
My toddler has a speck of glitter on her that has been in my family for 50 years.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2021
honestly panicking about getting dressed for my first night out in like 18 months largely bc I don’t want my 17 year old babysitter to think I’m cheugy
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) May 16, 2021
Toddlers be like, “let’s play hide and seek! We’re gonna hide over there behind that chair and you can come find us”
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) May 19, 2021
I know we’re supposed to encourage our kids to be anything they want to be but my 4yo wants to start her own YouTube channel and she’s been making me record her and all she does is walk around the house looking at her toys and humming and I’m just not sure she has what it takes.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 18, 2021
Took our kids to a restaurant for the first time in over a year. As my 6yo crouched in her chair, eating a burger patty like a feral child, and my 4yo tried to remove her pants and painted her face with ketchup, it occurred to me that maybe we weren’t ready to re-enter society.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 15, 2021
it’s been 14 months working from home with 3 kids. That’s 425 days. 425 multiplied by 3 is 1,275. i have been asked 1,275 times over 425 days “are you doing work today?”. so yes i’m having bourbon for breakfast, susan.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 20, 2021
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) May 19, 2021
Nobody is more full of shit than kids who respond “we will” when you tell them to be safe
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 15, 2021
Kids don’t want to drink water?
Pour yourself a glass of water and wait for kid to ask for a drink.
Repeat until each kid has a glass of water then finally get another one for yourself.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 18, 2021
I showed my 4 year old how to use a calculator today and didn’t show him the 55378008 upside down trick so I’ll just be over here awaiting my mother of the year award.
— Live Laugh Unhinged 🚮 (@kaL12578) May 19, 2021
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 17, 2021
2yo: Here, Mommy, hold these. *pulls sunglasses from his diaper*
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) May 18, 2021
Parents: Ensure you get regular time away from your kids, so you can get consistent reminders that your children suck considerably less than other adults.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 16, 2021
Sometimes people ask me if having three kids is harder than having two kids and I always smile and say “don’t be silly, of course it fucking is”
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 18, 2021
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know
-my toddler, at bedtime
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 17, 2021